As I start writing this, I want you to know that I am angry. Upset, frustrated, annoyed, on the burst of crying. I cry for injustice, I cry for tenderness, I cry because of pain and today I cry out of anger and unpower. (I checked it, it seems to be a word) And yes, I did it, I outed my frustration in a shouting, overreacting way. Shame on me.
It doesn’t happen to me a lot, but it does happen to me a few times a year. It is mostly a reaction to arrogance. Be it disguised as if someone pets you like a dog, maybe it’s a smile on someone’s face that comes close to the idea of mansplaining. Although, being a man, I have no doubt that I have been guilty of the actual mansplaining myself, still, I have had the experience all too often directed at me, where an insecure person tries to shove me under the table by saying something demeaning and then explain why it wasn’t demeaning. I cannot stand arrogance, but I also have issues with dishonesty. Straight up lying is different, it’s more sec, dry, impersonal. The dishonesty that I talk about here is if arrogance is at play, but the person suddenly realises they are wrong, or made a mistake, and then instead of admitting to it, they try to weasel themselves out by making jokes, more arrogant statements, or start pretending you didn’t even understand what they were talking about in the first place. The only things this can do to the other person is them experiencing humiliation, hurt and worthlessness. And all because someone cannot be humble enough.
This is bully-type behaviour. And that is where I got my title from. Arrogant behaviour has it’s source in insecurity. The know-it-all will either have to admit they were wrong or didn’t understand (humble themselves) or keep insisting the other is an idiot (humiliating and joke at someone else’s expense.) So either lower themselves or lower the other. As lowering yourself is very often wrongfully seen as weak, it is not so easy to do in front of others. Pride sticks his head around the corner here. And with pride comes insecurity.
Now it all becomes very familiar territory to me. My own (yes, mine) insecurity leads me to joke, to wave away comments and to think better of myself in my own mind. Because yes, all the things I just wrote, apply to me exactly in the same way. I too am arrogant, dishonest and insecure. And I too have the danger or the experience of becoming the bully. The only different thing is on what end of the conversation I am. So today, I was hurt, felt treated worthless and mocked. No fun feelings. Yesterday or tomorrow, I will be the one (un)knowingly hurting someone else.
I guess I need to keep learning a couple of things: to control my temper, to give the other the benefit of the doubt and to humble myself when others do not.
I now have to fight the urge to apologise for my outburst in a way that gives me the victory. I should not apologise if my goal is to be seen as the humble one. I should not apologise to make them understand they were actually the one in the wrong. I should not apologise to get rid of the nagging feeling I should. I should apologise because I was wrong in bursting out like that.
Oh Lord, work on me.
Photo by Magda Ehlers at Pexels
Recipes of Hope 
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